WTF is Self-love anyway??

Self love is such a buzzword these days. It’s everywhere: #selflove.

You feel like you should probably have it, but definitely don’t. And that can make you feel even worse about yourself. You can get in a shame spiral just beating yourself for not loving yourself enough!!!

It makes cognitive sense to love yourself. Right?

Like you should probably just love yourself, it seems like the right thing to do. When you do so, you seem to make better choices and avoid getting yourself into sticky situations. 

Your nervous system is so much calmer too.

So, what is the secret to self-love?

First, let’s back it up for a second.

I was a MASTER self-loather. Omgosh, I could beat myself up with the best of them. My body, my face, the things I said, the ways I did things, and any mistake I made…all of these things were on the table for self-deprecation. I was so great at it and really, really funny…at my own expense. This was a LIFELONG thing. Like since I was a very young child.

Basically nothing about me was EVER good enough. I was always awkward, always quiet, and always in the shadows. A part of me wanted so badly to be in the center of attention, to feel special, and to feel like I had something really amazing to offer the world. But, I was scared shitless to "enter the ring,” as Brené Brown would say.

The shadow was the safest place for me to avoid feeling like a complete idiot and imposter.

Once I become a mom…oh! the loathing that set in. I never felt like I was capable. First, I compared myself with my own mom who still is to this day a baby whisperer and just always seemed so confident with babies and toddlers. She just knew what to do. I did not. 

I also compared myself to all of the other moms who seemed to have it together. My house was messy, my cakes were uneven, and, dear god, birthday decorations were whatever the opposite of Pinterest is. But I was sort of ok with that, it was the mothering part that I felt really terrible about. I was super anxious, worried all of the time, impatient, yelled (argh), and sometimes really just wanted to escape from my life and my family. Just constantly judging, judging, judging myself.

I did not feel good about myself. I felt inadequate and inept which is exhausting, anxiety provoking, stressful, and overwhelming.

I adore my kids. I honestly think I got two of the most amazing, wonderful, and loving humans for kids and feel so incredibly lucky.

So, one day as I was walking to the park with my young kids, I had a self-loving epiphany. I remember it vividly, it was a beautiful spring day and they were running ahead of me, so cute, happy, and just free like kids are. 

And this thought dropped into my mind, “How did I create something so beautiful, when I am just shit?” Followed by, “Oh, because I am not shit!! There is beauty to me too.” I think I nearly fell to my knees. 

I created beings so beautiful because I too am beautiful. 

From that day I have moved from complete self-loathing to more self-loving. Notice that I said, more…not complete self-loving. I still have my moments. I still get frustrated with myself for certain ways where I feel I fall short. I still look in the mirror and see things I wish were different: gray hair, tired eyes, and loosening skin. Aging takes this practice to the next level. 

Self-love is a work in progress.

But, what does it mean to love one’s self? There is a weird thing that happens in our culture: love and respect yourself…but not too much…stay humble…don’t be vain…don’t be the center of attention. 

People who appear to be confident are often considered being full of themselves, selfish, narcissistic, and self-indulgent. Narcissism is another pop culture buzzword and most people don’t want that label, so figuring out what it means to love yourself is difficult.

Therapist Linda Caroll explains the difference between self-love and narcissism, “Loving yourself is holding yourself accountable to be the best you can be in your life. Narcissism has nothing to do with accountability.”

Narcissists actually hold deep self-loathing, powerlessness, and avoid feeling uncomfortable at all costs…to themselves and those around them.

Real self love requires holding all parts of ourselves as valuable and worthy with tenderness and compassion…especially those parts we don’t like. Narcissism doesn’t do this, it wants to avoid, suppress, and cut those parts off as much as possible.

So what do you do to move from self-loathing to more self-loving?

The first step toward anything is awareness. Start to notice the ways in which you talk negatively about yourself and where you feel you fall short. And, I can’t stress this enough…DO NOT SAY IT OUT LOUD. Your voice is powerful. While it’s not great for negative self-talk to be rolling around in your head, not speaking it decreases its power. 

Second, give yourself permission to feel your self-loathing. All the ways in which you cut yourself down and keep yourself small have played a vital role in your nervous system feeling safe. So just let yourself know it’s ok to feel the way you do. 

By doing so you are slowly beginning the process of self-acceptance. 

As you dedicate yourself to more self-love and compassion try the practice of lovingkindness. It is so simple. Sit comfortably, set a timer for 5-10 minutes, and recite something like: May I be happy or content, May I be free, or May I be safe. Whatever resonates with you. 

Just sitting down to quiet the mind and be still is an act of self-love.

Self-acceptance calms your nervous system. It makes you feel safe, seen, and cared for.

As you begin to be with yourself, just as you are, with kindness and compassion, pain that has been buried beneath years of self-loathing is very likely to arise. 

Experiences you have avoided feeling need to be felt and digested so they can move through you to make space for love, confidence, and compassion.

PS: As you start to allow yourself to feel more and be ok with who you are, just as you are, you can get pretty uncomfortable. It is in these times where having a coach or therapist is incredibly valuable. Self-love is an intregal part of my Regulated, Resilient, and Rested membership. Find out more about that here. Or, if you are ready to get started, schedule a consult.