Musings on grief and anxiety

I’m reading a book called “The Wild Edge of Sorrow” by Francis Weller. The book has finally helped me put into words how I feel about the difficult magic of grief and grief work. 

He says there is something “feral about grief, something essentially outside the ordained and sanctioned behaviors of our culture.” He stresses that grief is an “emotion that rises from the soul.” If you have ever grieved, you might understand how much all of this is true. Last, he talks about how grief is a sacred exchange “between the unbearable and what is exquisitely alive.”  

While most people think of grief, they think of loss of life, but it’s not limited to that. 

Grief grows from the loss of what could have been, the ways you were abandoned as a child, a diagnosis, a move, a job change, loss of a friend or a lover, your kids growing up, or environmental devastation. 

Grief is an integral part of life. Even if you don’t want to acknowledge it consciously, unconsciously you know life will always hand you loss, difficulty, and you, the people, and things you love will not always be here.

You might think of grief as immense sadness, which it is, but grief elicits the full spectrum of emotions: panic, fear, anger, confusion, overwhelm, regret, shame, resentment, vulnerability, powerlessness, and groundlessness. 

You feel like there is nothing below you to stand on and everything you thought you knew you realize is no longer reliable, therefore anxiety is a common experience with grief.

Grief brings you back to the reality that life is always open, uncertain, and you never really have any control. That scares the hell out of most people. 

Anxiety is typically “future oriented” with a strong desire to try to control for or avoid certain events from occurring. On the surface this might seem like it’s just about “the thing” you are trying to avoid but maybe it’s really an avoidance feeling completely out of control and uncertain? Or perhaps the avoidance of feeling unbearable grief?

Grief is one emotion that people feel they do not have the ability to withstand, they don’t see as workable…likely because it is “feral,” untamed, and feels like it is going suck the life out of you. 

Deep grief also takes up residence in your psyche, once it’s there, it stays.

However, this is not necessarily a bad thing. Grief offers a lifetime of transformation and invites you to be truly alive. It does not suck the life out of you, in fact, if you choose to be with your grief with curiosity, kindness, and compassionate ways it opens the door to living a full life. 

I have had the privilege of sitting with people who have experienced the kinds of losses that most of us do not think we can survive.

This is what I know for sure: the human heart is resilient and it continues to love. Those who take the precarious journey through grief hold a wisdom about them that knows what the heart can withstand, survive, and how to find aliveness in even the darkest of times.

Namaste!

Nichole

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